my last entry here is two weeks ago pa..

i feel incomplete when i dont blog..

or write something about my day..

but my days lately have been bad and have only given me reasons to pout and whine about life..

 

soo.. i dont blog..

i feel i've become this person i dont ever want to be..

this negative, whinning person..

emotional and basta..

i've become someone i wouldnt love being..

 

when i read my blog entries kasi..

i want to remember a certain emotion n nafefeel ko during the time that i wrote that entry..

i've written way too many negative entires here..

so i thought.. maybe i should take a break from blogging and all that..

 

and soo now..

i feel like blogging and im not gonna write anything negative cause i choose not to..

 

december is fast approaching and im still unemployed..

it still bothers me.. but, the hell with that.!..

i dont have to worry..

 

i dont text my ex boyfriend because its getiing worse.. between us..

i still miss him..

i still cry whenever something suddenly reminds me of him..

i still love him..

but i guess i also should learn how to STOP..

take a break.. space.. breather..

whatever..

too much of anything is bad i know..

and so.. i am TRYING to get him out of my life..

 

my parents still dont want me to work in Manila..

it still sucks!..

but i think i dont need to go further to get the job i want..

and the independence im looking for..

all i need is a deeper understanding of life.. my life..

what i want and owning it..

 

i dont need to blame other people for my mistakes and failures..

neither do i need to blame myself..

its the inner peace that i've been enjoying lately that really matters to me now..

knowing what i want and owning it..

i love it..

Music :: Glee Defying Gravity
Show :: Glee
Mood :: calm

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i've always been merry about christmas..

have always been excited about it..

the christmas lights.. christmas carols..

christmas countdowns.. christmas tree..

oh! i love christmas trees!.. and the gifts that lay beneath it..

 

not that i've turned into the Scrooge now..

because i havent..

its just that i feel so unexcited about christmas..

i dont feel the same happiness i felt before..

 

christmas is about sharing.. giving gifts..

 

it has never ocurred to me that christmas would be less merry without money..

i know its insane right?!..

growing up.. you're given the thought by your parents that christmas is all fun and games..

and foods and reunions and picture takings!..

and sharing..

and they never taught you how to think of ways to earn money so that.. come christmas..

you'll have cash to spend on foods.. on cameras to use on picture takings..

on clothes to wear on reunions and stuffs..

it just didnt ocurred to me..

it just didnt!..

 

with my present situation.. being unemployed..

is what i guess the main reason why im dreading christmas..

i dont have money to spend for gifts..

and whenever reunions would come..

they would always ask me if may trabaho na ako and its a shame to say "nuh-uh wala pa!"..

ah dammit!.. why does it all have to do with my job hunting?!!..

and why havent i have a job?..

why cant i?!..

 

 

 

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and so Im blogging in the middle of the night..

just to save my eyes..

because im bound to cry nanaman..

and its (i guess) will be one of those "painful" cries i used to have..

i've always felt that im weak..

weak.. meaning i easily cry..

i admit it naman eh.. im such a cry-baby naman talaga..

 

 

i just felt that at some point..

i know im gonna have to let it all out.. cry it all out..

 

i havent done much lately that i am proud of..

i continue to get rejections after rejections..

and now.. im sick.. im nilalagnat..

its like.. every bit of my actions are always "sablay"..

i dont know how long will i be like this..

im guessing until i find a job.. hehe..

gotta keep my fingers crossed!..

 

 

Music :: pretty wings

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